TRANSCRIPT: Ramblings V – Incorrect Pronunciation, H*rny 4 Craig, TOS, and Fake Kitchen Gun


Wesley (voiceover): Originally recorded December 12, 2020. For context, this first clip is us reacting to our recording bot named Craig.

Grayson: Hi Craig. Craig, you have such a beautiful voice

Jamie: …like Jesus.

Grayson: Craig is like “NOW RECORDING”.

Riley: They try to make it ominous.

Jamie: I know that Craig is a robot, but I’d let him top me.

Grayson: I’d kiss Craig.

Wesley: Would you make out with Craig?

Grayson: You know, maybe

Wesley: You wouldn’t just kiss, you would full on make out?

Grayson: Like tongue and everything. Yeah.

Wesley: Dude…

Jamie: Understandable

Wesley: With a voice like that, like, yeah.

Riley: I hate that- that the first thing we recorded in this session is everybody being horny for Craig. This is the worst thing. This is the worst timeline, guys.

Wesley (voiceover): Disclaimer: we’re not actually sponsored by Squarespace.

Grayson: What if- okay, speaking- speaking of… well, this isn’t speaking of anything. Speaking of our sponsor, Squarespace.

Riley: (laughter)

Grayson: Squarespace lets you make beautiful websites about your passion and interests such as. By the way, “Being Horny for Craig” is still an available- an available domain name. If anybody wants to take that, that is like free to grab. It would be cool if you like made it in honor of our podcast Caution Do Not Open.

Riley: We buy the domain “Being Horny for Craig” and use it as the official podcast website.

Grayson: You if- you go ahead and go to Squarespace and use code “horny for Craig: you will get 15% off

Wesley: …your first six months of- of a domain purchase.

Grayson: Yes

Wesley: That’s squarespace.com. Use code “Horny for Craig”.

Riley: (laughs)

Wesley: So anyway, hi everyone. Welcome to the podcast. It’s been a minute (laughs)

Grayson: Been a hot, hot second

Riley: Last episode came out September 29th?

Grayson: I know y’all have been waiting in, you know, waiting- waiting in anticipation very very, you know, ready for this chewing on tinfoil waiting for this moment.

Jamie: I don’t chew on tinfoil, I chew on bottle caps

Grayson: Yeah, but oh gosh, that’s worse. Why?

Jamie: Also, VOICE REVEAL! I’m talking for the first time. Hi

Wesley: Yay. Jamie actually has a voice.

Riley: I like how we’ve just- we’ve just skipped the introductions portion. It’s just- we’re just going into this, huh.

Wesley: We don’t- hi everyone, it’s the season two premiere episode. We don’t fuck with those intros anymore. Also, we don’t censor ourselves because that was a lot of work that I didn’t like doing, so…

Jamie: It’s okay, I’ll just yell “beep” whenever someone swears

Riley: Understandable, have a nice day

Grayson: We can- we can swear now?

Wesley: Uh, yas. We’re an explicit podcast.

Grayson: Crap, heck, frick.

Wesley: (gasp) Grayson.

Grayson: Feels good.

Riley: Swearing makes Grayson feel bad.

Grayson: That’s true, it does.

Wesley: He doesn’t like those swears

Grayson: Introductions, we have- we have Wes

Wesley: Henlooooo

Grayson: We got Jamie.

Jamie: I am not me, I am a bundle of bees.

Grayson: We got Riley.

Riley: owo

Grayson: Hi, I’m Grayson. We got a very special episode. Wes, take it away because you’re the host.

Riley: We have nothing planned.

Grayson: Oh, I have something in mind if we want an idea.

Jamie: Do it!

Grayson: Yeah, so it’s the end of 2020. What did everybody freaking hate the most, and what did everybody freaking hate the least?

Jamie: Everything

Grayson: Like what if we just did like a year recap, you know?

Wesley: Year recap. Also, first quarter of college recap, like no cap. We all just finished our first quarter of college yesterday. It was wack.

Grayson: Hashtag epic gamer. Hashtag cool and good (#epicgamer #coolandgood)

Riley: I finished it with a 4.0 GPA. Suck my dick.

Grayson: Ummm, no

Jamie: I need to check my GPA. Hold on. I failed like three classes out of four.

Grayson: Really? I failed. I failed one. I failed Mod Ops.

Wesley: I got one B because I was lazy and didn’t feel like doing a few assignments. So, I just said fuck it.

Riley: Was it Mod Ops?

Wesley: No, umm, TM

Riley: Also a reasonable one to skip out on.

Wesley: I was bored as fuck in TM. I was having none of it.

Riley: My only problem with TM is it had to make me think of capitalism at eight in the morning.

Jamie: I had Mod Ops at eight in the morning and VMware was like completely fucking with my computer. It was always crushing like every fucking day.

Wesley: VMware hates 8am

Jamie: So I uninstalled it and just you know, didn’t go to class because it was boring as fuck, same with TM. And then like sets, I just never really got.

Riley: So- So math is my good subject. So, I think I finished Sets… or, I did worse on my unit four tests for some goddamn reason.

Wesley: It just be like that sometimes.

Riley: Yeah, my- and- really the weird one is my best test score was on unit two.

Wesley: Probability, which was my worst one.

Riley: I got 102% owo

Wesley: Whoa. Extra credit up in here.

Riley: Yeah, I got every single bonus question correct. On all the tests.

Wesley: Oh my gosh

Riley: Yeah, I’m extra like that.

Jamie: There’s so many like, dogshit Neumont fucking things

Riley: Math is my good subject. And then I already had like, the intro to CS class, I didn’t- the only thing new I learned was enums because I had already spent an entire year, you know, doing CS. My app had background music.

Wesley: This was my first time ever coding, and they decided to teach us Java, which I’m like, okay, I don’t know, so let’s do this

Riley: I don’t mind that it was Java. I hated that. It was Android Studio and not something console-based.

Jamie:Yeah

Wesley: I did not like Android Studio. I hated that. But apparently, OOP is supposed to be primarily console, which makes me happy.

Riley: But yeah, my app had background music.

Wesley: That’s wack

Riley: My back- my app had ORIGINAL background music. I wrote music for this project.

Wesley: Oh

Riley: Yeah. Well, okay, I didn’t write music for the app. I had a vague idea from fucking around on mandolin and then had something written out for my D&D character because I do that. And then I’m like, Hey, wait, if I change this from fucking fantasy music to neat synthesizer, it’ll work as the space music background for our shitty asteroids game.

Grayson: What’s that? You- you- you finish classes with over 100% Let me hold your massive cock, god.

Riley: Hey babe, you dropped this.

Grayson: Hey babe, you dropped this.

Jamie: Dropped your massive cock

Riley: This belongs to you, babe.

Grayson: This cock is your property.

I hate it so freakin much. See, I just- I just walk around covered, you know, head to toe. I only wear socks wherever I go. And I am covered in Heinz baked beans so everybody knows that I’m a man.

Jamie: (laughs)

Grayson: Imagine Craig walking into a space and just being like, “Now recording”.

Jamie: I bet Craig just like is just packing some massive meet.

Riley: Hey babe… (laughter)

Grayson: Ya, okay, okay. So really, really quick, really quick thing. You go to a tea shop. You go ahead, and you order boba, and you take your first step, and you go this isn’t boba. This is Heinz baked beans.

Riley: It’s the spicy boba.

Wesley: I would be a little upset but honestly, honest mistake like…

Grayson: They’re really similar

Jamie: I have a PSA to make: Soda is just spicy water.

Grayson: No, ginger beer is spicy water.

Riley: It’s Pisces. We make up words for a reason Grayson.

Jamie: Wholesome. We only talk about Craig’s monster cock on this.

Wesley: That’s wholesome, yes.

Riley: Craig has horse cock energy

Grayson: So wholesome

Jamie: Oh my gosh, he does

Grayson: Can everybody be quiet for like, just- just a little bit? Just a touch of time?

Wesley: All right, let’s do it.

Grayson: (really close to the mic) CRAIG BE LIKE (heavy breathing) NOW RECORDING

Riley: Grayson? Grayson?

Grayson: Yeah?

Riley: I hated that. Hey, Grayson. I hated that.

Grayson: Yeah? I know you did.

Jamie: Grayson, top me, please.

Riley: (squeal) Christ.

Grayson: How about- but what if I didn’t? Umm…

Riley: (laughs)

Grayson: Hey, asking the real questions is Werther’s- is Werther’s Originals like hard caramels. Are they- are they grandma candy or grandpa candy?

Wesley: Grandma

Jamie: Yeah

Riley: I could go either way

Wesley: Cause grandpa usually is going to cook you a mad steak.

Grayson: No, no, but like grandpa’s carry candy too. I mean, I don’t know.

Riley: They have the little strawberry things.

Wesley: Yeah, yeah.

Grayson: Grandma’s- grandma’s have the strawberry thing. Grandpa’s have Werther’s Originals for me and mint’s.

Wesley: It’s always been the other way around for me.

Grayson: Really?

Wesley: Yeah. All right. All right. Genuine question. Is it pronounced ant or Aunt?

Riley: Aunt

Jamie: Aunt

Grayson: It’s ant.

Wesley: It’s ant for me.

Riley: So where I’m from in Ohio, it’s ant but I say aunt. Because that’s how it’s fucking spelled.

Grayson: No, if you wanted to spell aunt, you’d spell O N T

Riley: AU makes an “ahh” sound like it does that. Like in augury.

Wesley: You’re in Utah we have the entire fucking word of mountain you know M O U N T A I N, but we say moun’n

Grayson: Moun’n

Wesley: MTN. Mountain

Grayson: Hey, just gotta say, like, first of all A U does make the “ahh” sound. AADACITY

Jamie: Audacity

Grayson: AAdacity

Riley: Grayson. I’m gonna come into your room and hit you with a spoon.

Grayson: You need to stop doing that. Like that’s roommate abuse.

Wesley: Stop being so violent.

Riley: Uh, no

Grayson: This is hashtag not cha cha real smooth (#notchacharealsmooth)

Wesley: This is not very gamer.

Grayson: This is not gamer, must say

Riley: How did I think of augury before Audacity?

Grayson: AAgery. AAdio. A makes the “ahh” sound.

Riley: In my own goddamn home.

Grayson: Hey, it was my home before it was yours.

Wesley: That’s big facts.

Riley: Okay. Fuck off

Wesley: It’s not pronounced UTAHHH, it’s pronounced Utah.

Grayson: Yeah, silly goose.

Riley: Yeah? We’re not talking about A H

Jamie: I see- I see like a line- I see like a line of aunts

Wesley: …see a line of aunts but then you also have a line of ants, and they’re two different things.

Riley: Yeah???

Jamie: Yeah, I see a line of aunts like eating my sugar and stuff. I go and see my ant. I live in Utah. I listen to an AAdio. I- like, I plug in my AAdio and listen to songs?

Riley: I’m gonna throw up

Grayson: You know, some people…

Wesley: Some people like my AAdio, you know?

Jamie: Exactly.

Riley: I’m going to commit a crime.

Grayson: I say pass the axe, and- they say you better not play anything. You know, you better not play crap, and I’m like, oh, don’t worry. And I put on soft boy tunes.

Wesley: You put on soft boy tunes that are straight fire.

Riley: No, then you put on fucking VeggieTales

Jamie: Yeah, I play the friggin VeggieTales tunes.

Wesley: Yeah, that’s straight up fire.

Grayson: Yeah, exactly. Can I just- can I just say like, do whatever you freaking want in the apartment as long as like it’s clean when I get back.

Jamie: Riley, you wanna vibe?

Grayson: I can’t do- I can’t do very much dirty.

Riley: Yeah, I get that. I get that.

Wesley: No dirtiness, Grayson,

Jamie: No, no unclean thing can be in the presence of God.

Wesley: This is a Christian household.

Grayson: This is a freaking Christian household here

Wesley: With a Christian Minecraft server. Respect the rules

Grayson: Respect the rules of my Christian Minecraft server. Please just know that in my minecraft server there’s no griefing if you reef, you are canceled! You are banned from the podcast! You are not allowed to at us on Twitter. You are not allowed to talk to me or my family. You are not allowed to pet my dogs. You are not allowed to make any noise at all. Don’t freakin grief on my server, on my minecraft server. Don’t swear on the server either. That’s all.

Riley: Heck

Wesley: Heck

Jamie: Heck

Grayson: You’re on thin ice- you’re on thin ice right now.

Jamie: (THUD)

Wesley: Jeesums, who died?

Jamie: I just smashed my desk lightly.

Wesley: Just like a fucking (distorted boom).

Grayson: So that’s- that’s all my- that’s all my terms and conditions if people swear on my minecraft server and grief on my minecraft server.

Wesley: You agreed to the TOC.

Grayson: Wait TOC?

Riley: Terms AND Conditions? Did you mean?

Wesley: Oh yeah, T…

Grayson: Wouldn’t it just be T- TC?

Riley: Yeah, probably

Wesley: …Siege. I was thinking TM, you know…

Grayson: I thought you were saying TOS, you know, Terms of Service.

Wesley: I mean, also that but I meant TAC and- I’m just big dumb. Don’t worry about me

Grayson: POV you are talking to one of the moderators on a Discord server.

Wesley: Oh no

Grayson: (very close to the mic with a slight lisp) Yes, please keep the memes out of general. You agree to the TOS. Now back to what I was saying., yes, I do think the age of consent should be 13.

Jamie: Oh God.

Wesley: This discord mod says as a 10-year-old

Riley: Okay, so I was just reminded of this. What’s weirder: dating a 17-year-old who is in college with you or dating a high school student?

Wesley: Dating a high school student

Jamie: Dating a high school student

Grayson: Uh, both

Riley: Even if high school student’s 18?

Wesley: Yeah, that- that’s just weird.

Riley: Thank you! We had this conversation because *** was chatting with- with a high schooler while I was still…

Jamie: If you’re both in high school, then it’s fine.

Riley: She was 18

Jamie: But if one of you is in college, then it’s like…

Riley: Yeah…

Jamie: Even if you’re, like a year apart in age. Then it’s just…

Wesley: It’s not a vibe.

Grayson: Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Riley: But no, *** dating a high schooler is definitely weirder.

Wesley: Just dating in the high school is weird. It’s like that episode of The Office where Andy finds out he’s dating a high schooler.

Riley: Imagine watching The Office. I have better taste than to watch The Office.

Grayson: See, it’s like that episode of The Office where the people in the office are insulting Riley for not watching The Office.

Riley: I have better taste. I’m sorry I’m infinitely sexier than you guys

Wesley: No, people who watch The Office are sexy as fuck

Riley: People who watch The Office have bad taste.

Wesley: Excuse you, I’m watching How I Met Your Mother as well right now. I don’t need the sass coming from you.

Jamie: Hey, okay, How I Met Your Mother is infinitely better than The Office because I got bored after three episodes of The Office.

Riley: I need to find that that text where my friends like “I am being forced to watch The Office against my will and it’s awful”.

Grayson: See, it’s like the- it’s like that episode- it’s like the episode of How I Met Your Mother where it’s actually just The Office.

Wesley: Dude, I love that episode.

Grayson: Yeah

Wesley: I don’t know if that episode actually exists. Don’t quote me on that.

Jamie: You know what my favorite episode in The Office is?

Grayson: What’s your favorite episode?

Jamie: When they’re in The Office.

Grayson: That’s- freaking wild.

Riley: So a couple of months ago, my friend was like, I am watching the office against my will and it’s like really shitty What We Do In The Shadows. Like it’s the same humor style except they do it better than What We Do In The Shadows because it’s actually a good movie.

Grayson: That reminds me- that reminds me of the- of that one episode of The Office where it’s actually just Avengers: Endgame.

Jamie: I’ve been trying to find more things to, like, do so I ended up just watching Big Mouth.

Riley: I’m so sorry for you.

Jamie: Ehhh, it’s- it’s alright. But it is pretty stupid

Riley: Looking at the art style makes me want to throw up because apparently American animation always looks dogshit

Grayson: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Riley, but if someone watches The Office, they have bad taste. But if someone watches Big Mouth, you’re sorry for them.

Riley: Yes

Grayson: If someone chooses to watch Big Mouth, you’re sorry for them.

Riley: Yeah. The Office isn’t good.

Wesley: The Office is better than Big Mouth though, geez.

Jamie: You want to hear- you want to hear the sound that I make when I eat ice?

Wesley: I do, I want to hear this sound

Jamie: Do it

Grayson: (crunching of ice)

Wesley: ASMR time with Grayson.

Jamie: Guys, I’m opening another monster.

Riley: Crispy.

Jamie: Y’all already?

Wesley: Yeah, I’m ready.

Jamie: (sound of a Monster being opened)

Wesley: OOOO

Riley: That one wasn’t as crispy as the first one.

Wesley: It was still crispy

Jamie: Still crispy (laughs)

Riley: We were playing D&D, and I was saying “pop cans” because, owo, from Ohio. Umm, from Ohi-owo (laughs)

Grayson: Bad. Bad joke. Not funny. Didn’t laugh.

Riley: Yeah, that’s fair. It was- I felt bad saying it. But so I said, “pop” because that’s how I grew up. And one of the people I was playing with had a visceral reaction to that. So I thought she was part of the, the- the group of people who’s like, yeah, we say “soda”, whatever, which is fair. But no, she is a southerner. And everything is “coke”. And that filled me with rage. Like I had a nice Crispy Creamed soda and…

Grayson: Sorry, no. Crispy Creamed soda? No. Krispy Kreme is doughnut.

Riley: Crispy with a C and Creamed soda with it with an “-ed” at the end.

Grayson: I just freakin drank it doughnut. I just wanted to let you all know that

Riley: Slorp

Grayson: Anyway, continue

Wesley: Did you put it in a blender? Like how’d you do that?

Riley: We have a food processor.

Jamie: Imagine drinking…

Grayson: Riley, can you teach us how- how one might go about drinking a soda?

Riley: So… a soda?

Grayson: I mean, drink… Drink? Well, yeah, but we need to control so, so number one…

Jamie: Imagine using a soda for its intended purpose

Grayson: …how to drink a soda. So that’s our control. That’s a control group. And what are the different steps you have to take to drink a donut?

Riley: You have to liquefy it first. Through your favorite methods.

Grayson: Oh, yeah, but I’m not- I’m not asking that. I’m asking how do you drink a soda number one and then number two, how do you drink a doughnut?

Riley: You deep throat the entire doughnut

Grayson: I’m not asking you how to drink a doughnut yet. You need to explain how to drink a soda first for a control.

Riley: You do it more carefully.

Jamie: What if it’s a round doughnut or a donut hole? You can’t deep throat a round donut.

Grayson: Have you ever put a doughnut hole back into the hole of the donut?

Jamie: Yeah. Donut spaceship?

Riley: This entire… this is nothing!

Grayson: That’s a real- that’s a real- that’s a real thing. Like, that’s a real life hack. You know, life hack channels on YouTube now are just kind of like “look at me put hot glue on everything”. Now a real- real life hack for you. You put a doughnut back in the doughnut hole. That’s how you get to Eldorado. Can I go ahead and do a little- I have a suggestion for maybe a topic?

Riley: Is it a hypothetical?

Grayson: It’s a hypothetical.

Riley: Okay

Grayson: Hypothetical situation. You hear a knock at your door you go- you go look through the peephole. You see someone who you don’t recognize but they’re wearing a mask and everything, so you figured safe. You open up the door, and it’s a- it’s a salesman, and the salesman is like, “let me just… let me- let me- let me break down this product for you, sir”. And he- he walks- he walks into your house against your will, and just starts like frickin shoot- shooting stuff on the walls like, you know, uh, you know on the salesman comes in, pours dust on your rug or something like that and vacuums for you? Yeah, but now he’s just coming in just kind of like shooting stuff on the walls like paint, paint all that jazz.

Wesley: That guy’s so rude!

Grayson: Rocks.

Jamie: Are you asking what our reaction would be in that situation?

Grayson: No, no. And then he’s like- and then he pulls out a gun, and you’re like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. And then he- he grabs the gun. And he- he grabs it by the like, the barrel of the gun to do like a pistol whip. And he just starts freaking beating the crap out of your walls and it’s cleaning them.

Riley: (laughs)

Wesley:That is not a hypothetical. That’s what would happen

Grayson: And- and then- and then- and then after your entire apartment is cleaned. And this is like spotless. This is the most clean it’s ever been. He looks at you and he says, “What is this product?”

Jamie: Kitchen Gun

Grayson: It’s not- it’s not Kitchen Gun. It’s not Kitchen Gun because Kitchen Gun you have to shoot things.

Jamie: It should be, I feel. Everything is Kitchen Gun.

Grayson: He looks at you- he looks at you. He’s mortified. He’s terrified. And he goes, “What is this”? And he starts- he started- a tear- a tear rolls down his face. And he sets it on the counter and he walks out. And you never see him again. But now it’s just on your counter.

Riley: Is it an actual gun?

Grayson: Yes, it’s a very real gun.

Riley: (laughs)

Grayson: What would you do?

Jamie: You know what I do? I’d cry because I’d never be able to see him again.

Riley: Thinking about you moving to Chimbagwa.

Grayson: Thinking about you pistol whipping your kitchen.

Riley: (laughter)

Grayson: “Hey, babe, you drop this” and it’s the freaking pistol whip.

Riley: It’s a Ubay string

Grayson: No, I’ll just feed a bunch of hypotheticals for the- for the user. For listeners- our listeners out there. Our good, good listeners to make this podcast possible. By the way, we have a Patreon. If you go to patreon.com/cautiondonotopen that’s all one word, no spaces there. Not even like underscores or anything. If you pledge $1, you get to come on to our Discord. We’re on there occasionally. You won’t be able to join recording time, but you will just be able to be in the Discord and chat with us over text. If you pledge $5, you will get a sticker. If you pledge $10, you- there’s a chance you could be heard on an episode of our podcast. If you pledge $26, that’s not 25, that’s 26 you get to meet up with us in person at the local Taco Bell.

Riley: You’re lying at this point.

Grayson: If you pledge $73, you get to come with us and sit next to us at a professional sporting event of your choice. We are not buying the tickets to those, you have to buy tickets for us. We will sit next to you during this professional sporting event. If you pledge $133, if you pledge $173…

Riley: You just upped it by 40 bucks?! You said 133 the first time!

Grayson: It’s 73 now, deal with it

Riley: Oh, right

Grayson: If you pledge $212, I will personally…

Jamie: Wait, what do they get for $173, you skipped that.

Grayson: If you pledge $896, I will type you up a little- a little story. That’s right, I will type you up a story and I’ll have the cast of Caution Do Not Open sign out the print- you know sign, sign the printed story. I will go to a bookmaker, I will have it turned into a book. I will send it- I will drop it off. I will drive to where you are. I’ll drop it off on the front porch and, you know, maybe come inside and get a glass of water if that’s cool because I don’t have a car so I’d have to walk there. And if you pledge $12, you get- just a- you get you- we mentioned you at the end of the podcast. Thank you…

Riley: So, umm, everything about this is accurate. We do have a Patreon except it’s CDNO podcast, not Caution Do Not Open. patreon.com/cdnopodcast.

Wesley: That’s big facts.

Grayson: Oh my bad. Let me- let me redo it then.

Let me let you guys in on a little secret, though.

(very close to the mic) If you- a little industry secret- if you go behind the Office Max and you knock on the door three times, and you say “Horny for Craig” and you start chanting it, sort of, like a low- a low chant. You get some of your friends, you do a low chant “Horny for Craig”, if you do that, draw a pentagram, put five black candles. This has to be behind an Office Max, or it doesn’t work. You can actually just summon in an office chair.

Riley: No way, it’s one of those cheats!

Jamie: That’s a hack?

Grayson: (normal voice) It’s not a cheat. It’s not a cheat. This is a real life hack. I’ve done it several times. I have so many office chairs.

Riley: Then why do you sit on a fucking folding chair?

Grayson: Because I prefer it because I can freakin break my back.

Riley: I Googled “current events” and then somebody just shot me with a gun

Grayson: Yeah, hear me- hear me out. Hear me out. What if this was the end of the podcast?

Riley: (laughs)

Grayson: This has been Grayson. I’m out, goodbye.

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